lina_ame @ 2009-02-18T18:13:00
... Dreams. Hopes. Love. Nearby. Posted
, transcribed, lost.
As I sat there last night, between the candles, not that was my first attempt to create something, a force that could help me. But again I could not ask for me. Just as there are no free wall in this room, so there is no free space in my heart to myself. It's all about friends ... Family, love, hope, intimacy, dreams.
When she had asked me only then I realized - yes, I had to give up what to write. One love.
And this morning when the sun tried to durchzuzwingen through the frosty pink this morning as it seemed to me as if I had dreamed it all. As if it had always been people who love me and care about me, people who are near me is important. People who need me. And only when it is purely flowed through the blinds, because I realized - I have to answer for everything myself.
A man needs nearby. Especially if it hurt, betrayed, destroyed. And there are friends who help him, help him cope with the pain. You are the one there.
But time passes. And gradually they turn away from him. Because you can not surround a sufferer for ever. People continue to live their lives. And he ... He remains alone. He could heal his wounds, bury the pain and continue to live with his friends. But he begins to sprinkle salt on the wounds, and does not understand that an injured person can be used by anyone. Eventually the time comes, and he throws everything, all attempts to regain the closeness of loved ones, and gives up.
Sometimes happens something else: Some have found something. One love. And he goes on an expedition he brobeirt, searching, finding, continues. And often he gets on the wrong track. And that friends are for. To rauszuhelfen. But often they fail. Or they forget to give. Then the usual, pain, struggle. Ultimately is to everybody who has been abandoned.
I fought. Long, but the time is not important. I almost lost my friend to recover just a friend. Funny, as long as I can stand still. And then I have played and seen taped friendship. Whether such a thing are like minded, solid friendship? I am worth something? Worthy?
Sometimes, as I wish I could go away. Elsewhere, out on the discovery, on travel. In order to figure out whether I am worthy to have friends who need me. Love me, really. With whom I can share everything, and what's more important - and I can do anything. Those who accept me and my love. Would not hold me here, I would go with the first warm day. I used to think, not a life as Einzellgänger is bad, but then I met Frank, Finja, Tess, Ksenja, Jennifer, Johnny, Alexei ... And saw how wonderful people are, I wanted to do everything. At first unconsciously. But then she came, the girl with curls and a heart that carries them to himself, dreamily so vulnerable, so. And then I knew what I want. I could give everything. But only I would have. I have seen that there is no point in chasing someone, which I'm going to the mind, with my friends. Although I am for something not even capable. Copied abandoned. I will not be violated. I will go out and injure or unnerve anyone.
And the worst thing is that I am doing my own suffering. It is disgusting and false. If I had to answer something, I should be to stand there and not complain. But it's damn hard. I have squandered my chance.
Right now everything is irrelevant, I will look new. Knowledge, love, dreams. I will strive for accuracy and reliability and responsibility. I'll be back live quiet lives, and hope quietly to myself that something happened - that I find friends. Friends. Maybe I am lovable and capable of friendship, maybe I will still be needed.
